8/27/18
Today was the first day back at school for the semester. My third last semester until I graduate with my bachelor’s in social work. College has always been stressful for me. But not because of the workload, the materials or the professors necessarily, but various outside factors that cause my mental health to rapidly deteriorate.
Last fall, it was living with someone going through chemo who also underwent a bone marrow transplant on top of ending my four-year relationship. This past spring, it was my first semester being out of my weekly DBT treatment program and living on my own for the first time with a roommate (who I thought was a friend, but ended up being a selfish, vindictive enemy) and finding out that my ex-boyfriend was dating and moving in with my old college friend (I found out via Facebook between classes and promptly endured a two hour long anxiety attack).
This semester, who knows? I’m sure I’ll have an array of challenges, but I’m praying that God gets me through it. I feel like life always hits me out of nowhere. Maybe others feel like that a lot too.
Something that came seemingly out of nowhere was the anxiety I experienced during the first week of classes. The origin of the anxiety, dread, and immense sadness confounded me. I thought about dropping a few classes, I thought about ending my college career and staying at home for the foreseeable future, I even thought about ending my life for a moment. I knew my emotions were spiraling.
It took everything in me to just stay sitting in class. I’m certain my professors could hear the shaky deep breaths I did as I focused on my breathing. I want to learn all this information so badly, but something about being forced to sit in class for 50 minutes terrifies me.
I’m wondering if I need to be on a mood stabilizer, or something else. I’ll see how I am the next time I have class and then the next day, and so on. I just need to take it a day at a time and see what I need. If I need medication, it’s not my first choice, but I will get on it if I have to. I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I know my thoughts are spiraling. I think, “Because I had anxiety at school today, that means I won’t be able to hold a job, or be a good wife or succeed in anything else.”
But as I write this, I’m aware that I went to class. I showed up on time to all four of my classes today. And I sat there and listened and didn’t leave. That needs to be acknowledged and praised. If you did something today that you didn’t feel like doing but still did, give yourself a pat on the back. That’s a sign of maturity. You accomplished something today if you went against your natural instincts and instead did something productive or necessary for you building a positive lifestyle.
Let’s not minimize the seemingly small accomplishments, because without them, you don’t have the monumental achievements like a college degree, completing a marathon, or building a life-long marriage. If you took just one small step in the right direction today, you did the right thing. I showed up for class today. That’s an accomplishment. Now I’m going to do the next right thing by cleaning up my apartment a little bit. ❤ B
Moe My Hero 